The (Subtleness) Of It All

I will use the words I and me for lack of language to describe. Though it is clear it’s not the I or me as manly described in everyday language and identity. Also I must caution you before you continue reading that this is a described experience and even though language suggest a way things are, there is no way things are. There is only what's right now so If you have something similar happen please be open to recognize it's momentary as it all is. I promise you it will be that much more enjoyable in the moment of momentary.

There are moments last few months that stand out. It’s like clarity opens a distinct door and what’s beyond the door is seen and can’t be missed or unseen ever again. And it’s stays as what is seen in the forefront of view. It becomes alive in itself an energy; not seen or held by anyone but as it’s own aliveness that knows itself and nothing else. Or can’t even begin to ignore what it sees because it is not even a mirror anymore. It just is itself alive and well. No more even seeing. Even seeing itself is a concept.

So earlier on in the beginning shifts of awakening there was a time where I was sitting at a restaurant looking out into the clear window of the parking lot where people were walking by and going about the day. In a very subtle but profound blink of an eye the whole world of view went into some sort of what looked like psychedelic trip. With the body completely sober, I saw everything dissolve and re-appear into and out of existence. Colors messed into themselves, people weren’t people. This is very hard to describe and the memory around this moment is vague but it was as if everything was transparent balls of energy walking around and moving but within this movement everything stopped and stood still. It was definitely one of those rub your eye kind of moments like what in the holy hell is this? So I kinda freaked out.. got back in the car and tried to find my way home but got lost and couldn’t remember anything for the life of me. Like the memory of who I was and where I lived had vanished. I believe processes of me came back on line at some point and found my way home to sit on my balcony. Mind you this was the first time I left the house in days; the beginning stages of awakening were very bizarre to say the least.

This is what I believe to have been entering the everything gate. It felt like “I am everything”.

Like consciousness burst through the mental constructs of the mind and body into infinity.

It’s very hard to even say the words “I had an awakening” because even though seemingly that can make sense it absolutely makes no sense and is actually just another way to create identity. I can’t begin to describe what has seemingly happened over the past few months; it shares itself energetically in the poetry I write but I truly have no clue where or why that comes. It feels like the words are being written through me. It’s quite a beautiful dance.

So one day I was meditating and I realized in the subtle energy that there is literally what I’d like to describe as Star-dust particles floating in air. It felt like I could see this when I look directly in front of the eyes. Like there was visual imagery of what the mind created as mountains, trees and such landscapes but right before the eyes was literally star dust. Pure light was upon me. I could be wrong but this is what was interpreted at the time. And it felt like I could look past it and not see it but the eyes kept wanting to stare directly into it; at it; and as it. There was a powerful curiosity that came upon me. “What is this and why can’t the eyes see it all the time?”. Sure enough before long there was no looking past it because the star-dust particles were so obviously not just in front of the eyes but rather in the eyes and were the body. This star dust doesn’t have a start or end to where it touches the body and enters to another side. It is literally the body.

Time is strange as shit so I am not sure when things happened because I try and look into the mind for a story line of events and nothing seems to line up. But I will say I think shortly after the star dust moments I began to always see everything as this transparent void. Everything is stardust. I would notice when I was looking at someone talking I suddenly would see them not there. Like they were energy shaped as a human body but not really there at all. And very much alive and there. These two views were in synchronicity with one another. Pure energy and the human form is equally experienced. This is seen beyond the human form, I see it in objects and when I stare at something I can see it dissolve from form to energy until it’s gone. And then a mental process comes back and the person or object becomes solid again.

One night recently; I remember distinctly feeling like I was asleep but not feeling asleep at all. Like I was always awake. I woke up from the bed and sat up and there was no body there, there was however these web like qualities (I’ll say floating in air) but they weren’t floating because there was no where to float. There was no space. Period. It just wasn’t there.

What seemed like endless circles of energy all swirling around like webs of energy. I’d say energy but I suspect this isn’t energy this is before energy becomes but I really have no clue. Webs of dimensions of I don’t know what. With the eyes open or closed it was experienced to be what was. There was no objects; nothing other than this invisible string of circles and webs surrounding. It was obviously moving continuously but not moving at all. An interesting movement within no movement. It’s hard to describe because it sounds like visual imagery I’m describing but this was no image. There was without a doubt nothing seen. This was not even felt. This was just what was. On a compete energetic level this what has seemingly happened I suspect isn’t what happens at all; it’s what is and when it’s awake to itself and never been asleep it is impossible to look past.

But again and again; it’s not even seen because it doesn’t truly have ability or conceptual mind to know what seeing itself even is. That’s the human mind trying to describe something that is impossible to describe. This has matured into what I would call reality now. Because over past few days this has developed into being seen here as everything. This web of transparent string is seen all the time. Again not as visual imagery but similar to the star dust particles floating in air. These webs that would suggest connects everything I suspect connect absolutely nothing. There is no starting point and no end. No center to any of it.

Copyright: Violet Synergy

Written 2018. Violet-Richele